s a d n e s s

destination no where

2006-03-05T15:45:00.000+07:00

life is keep on running
life is getting shorter and shorter
life is uncertainty thing

everybody feeling exhausted
everybody getting older
everybody reaching their destination
desitination no where

everybody hope for a happy life
everybody wish to stay away from suffering
everybody able to find their way
the way to their destination

life is still going on and on
life is still reaching the end of their limit
life is still a mistery of life

mistery of life follow it will
the will to move forward
move forward to their destionation
that was the destination of no where

never returning again

2006-02-13T08:26:00.000+07:00

again, I remember certain story happened a year ago
a place where between uncertainty and sadness
the story still lingering in my heart
minute by minute, day by day
little bit by little bit disappeared

When I Open my heart, I embrace the whole world
dreams will appeared and disappeared simultaneously
everything seem confortable when you can endure it
I didn't realize it was already one year and two months
after all, we are passing through many days separately

I have been going through many lonely night
the past that we would never undergo again
the past that would never returning again

this world keep changing
when you standing right there to wave good bye
My subtlest memory begun to blur the day we found love
my heart keep stronger and stronger than ever
Never look back at your differing heart

we are still one although we had already separated physically

memento of valentine

8 months traveling

2005-09-10T02:23:00.000+07:00

8 months traveling like a zombie
lingering around you
hoping you would back to me

8 months traveling like a fool
going back bandung and jakarta
keep on searching for new hope

8 months traveling like a indulger
avoiding the reality
giving excessive energy

8 months traveling like a fall guy
loafing to left you
making much more chance

8 months traveling like a dopey
hovering about our relationship
desiring an unchanged heart

8 months traveling like a silly boy
hanging here and there
breaking unusual behaviour

8 months traveling like a kid
being deceived again and again
deceiving by the unstable emotion

8 months traveling like a zombie
never realize the happiness of 'present'
farewel for good my sadness

dream

2005-08-29T01:15:00.000+07:00

waking up late on saturday
feeling like nothing to do
finally I decided to go to Vipasana Graha
on the way to there, some memories appeared
they appeared like a film strip

I'm pussing myself to stop those memories
I keep telling myself, keep trying to say
No use to remember it anymore
better erase it immediately

finally I step my foot on puspa graha
I passed trough the gate
walked along the street
I still remembered there is a basketball court
I still remembered there is a zebra statue

stop for a while, I breath deeply
then I continue to walk

the building I remebered well
the villa I ever stop by and
meeting her's relatives

oh what on earth of my mind......

I pretend nothing happened
but hurt inside my heart still alive

I went to Vipasana in order to help people there
We spent all night to light up the candle
each candle represent my one wish for her
I don't know why I made those wishes
I wish her healthy, happy, stay away from suffering
I wish her always continue her practice training
I wish her always enthusistic on practising bodhisattva way of life
I wish her always have chance to meet her spiritual teacher
I keep continue making a lot of wishes and untill all candle light up
then I dedicate for the sake of her and all sentient beings

late night,
that night rainy cat and dog
after working a whole day...I'm tired
walking slowly to office, straighly to the sofa

cause I'm very tired, so I dind't realize I was already on my sleep
that night was very cold, I can't stand on the cold
usually someone cover me with blanket when I'm cold
but since then, no one care about me anymore

I dreamed about her that night, her appearance was very clear
This is look like a real person, I reach her and
I felt like back to the beginning
back to the first time when we gave our commitment to each other
the cold was unbearable....suddenly I woke up
it was 3 O'clock in the morning

if I can keep that moment forever
I'm willing to stay at my dream and
I wish I won't woke up

but that was a dream, I'm back to reality
I continue my sleeping with an empty hope

fragile heart

2005-08-28T12:55:00.000+07:00

If you want this heart
promised me don't tear it apart
promised me don't break it apart

this fragile heart has been hurt a lot
this fragile heart has been suffer a lot
this fragile heart has been cry a lot

though people said love is sweet
but actually it is not always be
love actually not like in perfect dreams
love actually not like in a fairy tales

happiness and sadness keep coming like a waves
a waves to make you growth stronger than ever

something falls through
I really hope
It won't happend to you and me

something go down
I really hope
It won't be your heart and my heart

something dissapear
I really hope
It won't be our feeling

something change
I really hope
It won't be our heart and love

last saturday
we went to cinema
althoug I was late
but I run all the way to there
as fast as I can
just to meet you

last saturday you said
you don't want to give me anymore change
once again you break it
you break the fragile heart of mine

If this could make you happier
I will leave you this way

If this could give you happiness
I will fulfill all your wish

as long as you are happy
me too will cherish every step you take

I know......
only fools believe that nothing changes

I know.....
everything keep changing all the way
changes from the very moment of its existence

I know.....
nothing stay the same
and of course our love can't be stay the same

forgive me

2005-08-23T17:18:00.000+07:00

everytime I received your message
you know how I really wanna reply it

everytime I saw you are calling me
you know how I really wanna pick it up

everytime you sent me private message on messenger
you know how I really wanna talk to you

those times you contact me by any means
you know how I really wanna ask
"how are you dear?" just simple question
"how have you been this time?"

but.....
please forgive me,
forgive me for being ignored you
ignored you since our last meeting

my heart is like a tree have been cut down
my face is pale like a white snow on the ground
my heartbeat is like an unstopable wave

please tell me, what should I do next
please tell me, what way should I take next

please forgive me dear.....

my heart will still there for you and care for you
Still I'm sure, oneday we will love again,
if fate can bring us together again

I can't find another heart,
a heart to replace your heart

I'm willing to be alone forever
although all the people in this world laugh at me
they said I'm insane and a stupid fool

but please forgive me....
forgive me for everything...

I'm on the way to be what I used to be

january

2005-08-01T02:56:00.000+07:00

January 15, I accompanied her to train station
something unusual come accross my heart
I don't know why my heartbeat slighly unexpected

foot step trembling unable to stop
mouth sealed with thousand of unspoken words

the train will set out soon
heartbeat become stronger and stronger
finally you told me
you had fallen in love with someone else

my ears seemed couldn't believed
couldn't believe what you have said just now
my lib was frozen unable to speak
my brain in total confusion
my heart stop for a while
astonished eyes looking at you

tears keep falling down on your cheek
you said, this feeling has already exist
falling in love to somebody else
since we are apart, since we are far away

this uncontrolled feeling of hers
already infiltrated one by one
my shadows fade away slowly in her heart
vanish from hers deepest feeling

I inniated, from now on our relationship end here
although I don't want to end this
but I have no choice.........

the train left me, only wave goodbye
the tears keep falling down on her cheeck
this is the third time our relationship end
the other two times because of different perspective
but this time because of third person appeared between us

what happened on earth.....could you tell me?
is it a really genuine love exist on this earth?
useless true love of mine
meaningless love of mine
finally repayed by broken heart
I drowned

goodbye my dear
don't weeping on this happening
not because of we are different
not because of your fault

perhaps this is what we call uncertainty of life
perhaps this is what we call wandering of life

sough heart linger in my mind
carry on lingered in my heart
untill endless sadness

our love story end in here
here in january 2005

sincere love

2005-07-31T03:20:00.000+07:00

the sun goes down raises again tomorrow
the moon disappeared in the mist

moment when your eyes see trough my heart
I urged myselft to approach you
I put my faith on you
I believed in you cause you're my only love

I felt stunned all over my body
I felt an instance of changes
I found you because you found me
I loved by you and
it's altered me to love you totally

I just wanna tell you the truth
I loved you, only you that I love
I miss your hug, your kiss
I wanna kiss your forehead
I wanna tell you how deep is my love
I wanna let you know how sincerely my love is
but, this true love seemed doesn't stand on our side

I lost in lonely night
I lost on long long journey
I lost on the way home
I lost you when you weren't here
I lost my feeling when losing you

I will never love someone else
I will never live the love without you,
I will never change my heart
I will never stop waiting for you

life is like a boat

2005-07-29T15:20:00.000+07:00

time passed by never looked back
the unforgetable moment on oct 3rd 99
the most beautiful day on my life
the boat of life stop it's journey
because the boat found it's harbour
the warmth harbour to soothe my heart

life is really like a boat
when the harbour changed it's heart
the boat have no choice
unless to continue the journey
to the destination no-where
no-one know no-one care
and perhaps this is a never ending journey

the waves keep coming to your life
you can't escape although you've tried many times
but, when you ever get lost on the ocean
the waves would lead to another day

I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
I really need you to come along
I need you to fill my life with love

never-ending sadness

2005-06-05T23:13:00.000+07:00

unpredictable.........

benighted
endless sadness suddenly disappeared

light up
new hope of love appeared all of a sudden

then.......

twilight
'new hope' refracted by the unstable feeling and emotion,and

dark
finally the whole world blackened again

benighted, light up, twilight, and dark
happened on same day

hesitation locked up feeling of love
feeling of love bounded down by hesitation
feeling of love and hesitation astrayed

total darkness of sadness
persisting sadness
sustained sadness
unremitting sadness
continual sadness
never-ending sadness

this is the new chapter of sadness

a gift from yogya

2005-05-19T22:36:00.000+07:00

a night to remeber
a place to recall
a moment to recollect
a memory to remind

journey to kalasan temple
bringing back those
unforgetable memory
wonderful moment
beautiful place, and
romantic night

you sent me a gift
a gift reveal your sincere heart

you write my name and your name there
and you insert 'love' in between
it was really touch my deepest heart

I believed, you still remembered
that gift was bought from yogya

I kept one and you are one
It was a long lasting promises
promises to stay together no matter what

now............
I realized, no eternal love between us
and now........
I discovered, I'm the one who being naived

tell you honestly

2005-05-13T13:34:00.000+07:00

though I would back to you one day
hard for me to say goodbye
although it won't be the same as previous...

the moment when we go different ways
you are always appeared on my dream

what I felt is hesitation although imbue totally

tell you honestly....
my love is still alive

perhaps, we couln't opened up our heart
it's time to stop blamed anyone, but
I wish you were there...
dreaming me too

rainy days

2005-04-29T00:42:00.000+07:00

precious moment of life
carve on your heart
a night to remember
between you and I

my unforgetable moment
that nigh of rainy day

my unforgetable place
that small and simple room

cold cold night
you hold me tight

long long night
you make me alright

my mind was frozen like an ice
my heart was beaten faster and faster
never felt like this before

rain drop keep falling
heartbeat keep beating
wind keep blowing
night keep on going

those wonderful rainy days
save on my heart forever

5 years mean nothing

2005-04-27T21:25:00.000+07:00

time will wait no one
it keeps going on never turning back
you are even unable to stop it
although only for a second

love it or detest it
never going to change anything

tired of stable relationship?
go and find someone else
fill up your tiredness

tired of your tiredness?
go and find someone else again
fill up your empty heart

tired of your empty heart?
go and find someone else again and again
fill up you unsatisfied feeling

you will tired, tired and tired
you will empty, empty and empty
you will unsatisfied, unsatisfied, and unsatisfied

when will you stop this desire?

I'm not frightening you
I'm not making excuse
I'm not making up story

sooner or later
you will learn how to cherish
to cherish everything you ever had
to cherish someone ever in your arm
cheris those moments
cheris those kindness
cheris those loves
cheris those years

5 years end up with tears
5 years end up with empty hand
5 years end up with slice in heart
5 years end up with deep cut
5 years end up with unwell feeling
5 years end up with worried
5 years end up with feeling guilty, and
5 years end up silently

finally.......

5 years mean nothing to you

heal my heart

2005-04-20T08:40:00.000+07:00

only those who ever hurt will know how pain it was
love bring about happiness on the other hand
it also gave you endless suffering

these days, I was trying to recover myself
recover from my endless suffering
restore my mind and heal my heart

escape make you more suffer than before
so, from now on, I'm ready to move to another stage
a new stage full of new hope

I won't drowned myselft continuosly
I won't let my mind suffered deeper and deeper
I won't give up my final goal to perfection

I'm going to heal my heart
to a brand new start
to a totally new chapter
without depending on her anymore

thank you for making me growth wiser
thank you for making me move one step ahead
thank you for making me see through my pain

thank you for making me understand everything about love

keep on drowning

2005-03-10T12:43:00.000+07:00

full of desperate.....
do you ever felt like this before?
why do you fooling around like this?
why do you keep on drowning?

I can't get my mind out of you
sleepless night always be my very best friend
I enjoyed late night, I enjoyed silent

those lonely night accompany me trough my desperate time
those memories only keep me drowning further and further
no one can help me get up.....

why? why? why?
why the first cut is always the deepest?
and why she broke my heart into pieces
why this feeling keep taunting me endlessly

I want to live my life normally,
I just wanna be with her forever 'till the end of this world
I don't want to keep drowning like this forever,

please tell me, what should I do next.....

instant noodles

2005-02-19T09:15:00.000+07:00

woke up in the morning
suddently she dissapeared
I looked around, and found her in the kitchen
smiling at me and said
"this is your favourite noodle and fried-egg"

eating noodle and fried-egg enjoyed morning cartoon
with her, life is beautiful and wonderful

I miss those time
when we spent most of our time together

nothing is left behind
only sorrow and memory

you are

2005-02-13T08:01:00.000+07:00

no any single words can described this
no one could understand this
no one would belive this

you are sacrificing everything for me
you are wasting your time just to accompany me
you are hurting so much just because of me

you are giving me your everything
you are giving me your smooth touch
you are giving me your wise advise
you are giving me your sweet smile
you are giving me your warm hug
you are giving me your tender kiss

you are as kind as my mother
you are as bright as the sun
you are as beautiful as the full moon
you are as delicate as the stars above
you are as blue as the sky up above
you are as wide as the ocean

you are my everything
you are all I have, and
you are the best I ever had

valentine eve

2005-02-12T21:15:00.001+07:00

that night we were listening to the radio program
the DJ asked about valentine origin
the one who can answer correctly
will get 2 free candle light dinner voucher

by coincidenced she read an article about valentine
so I encouraged her to phone the radio station
all of sudden, she was the third person who phoned

and it was a big surprised, she won the voucher
we were very happy

the next day has come
I didn't remember what we were doing all day long
we didn't collect the voucher
but we were happy that valentine night
although no candle light
although no romatic dinner
we talked to each other a lot
we are content on what we have in our heart

illusion

2005-02-06T10:59:00.000+07:00

Feb 05, 2005

Hollow in my heart still hangging around
suddently swimming pool appeared on my mind
yes, that is VIP,
swimming pool somewhere located on setiabudi street

I went there alone
but I didn't know why
my sense told me, she was here

after swimming several rounds
I sat on one side
looking at the blue sky
almost fade away by the darkness
I saw her face smiled at me
I saw her wearing blue swimsuit

iddle for a while
I realized that was just an illusion

her love

2005-01-31T00:17:00.000+07:00

her love is like a wind
I can't see it, but
I can feel it

true love

2005-01-31T00:10:00.000+07:00

true love doesn't mean possession or jeaoulesy
and one day, when you found love, your life has just begun

s a d n e s s

2005-01-29T07:34:00.000+07:00

I wouldn't forget the day she left me at the station
tears keep falling on her cheek
saying no words
I was feeling empty
the sky was suddenly falled upon me and
filled my heart with sadness
searching for reason why this is must happened to me
I was unable to stop myselft to think over and over again
the more I try the more un-stop-able
your face become more clear appear on my mind
I didn't know why you left me so easily
what should I do to bring your heart back to me
please tell me
please give me another chance.