Monday, August 29, 2005

dream

waking up late on saturday
feeling like nothing to do
finally I decided to go to Vipasana Graha
on the way to there, some memories appeared
they appeared like a film strip

I'm pussing myself to stop those memories
I keep telling myself, keep trying to say
No use to remember it anymore
better erase it immediately

finally I step my foot on puspa graha
I passed trough the gate
walked along the street
I still remembered there is a basketball court
I still remembered there is a zebra statue

stop for a while, I breath deeply
then I continue to walk

the building I remebered well
the villa I ever stop by and
meeting her's relatives

oh what on earth of my mind......

I pretend nothing happened
but hurt inside my heart still alive

I went to Vipasana in order to help people there
We spent all night to light up the candle
each candle represent my one wish for her
I don't know why I made those wishes
I wish her healthy, happy, stay away from suffering
I wish her always continue her practice training
I wish her always enthusistic on practising bodhisattva way of life
I wish her always have chance to meet her spiritual teacher
I keep continue making a lot of wishes and untill all candle light up
then I dedicate for the sake of her and all sentient beings

late night,
that night rainy cat and dog
after working a whole day...I'm tired
walking slowly to office, straighly to the sofa

cause I'm very tired, so I dind't realize I was already on my sleep
that night was very cold, I can't stand on the cold
usually someone cover me with blanket when I'm cold
but since then, no one care about me anymore

I dreamed about her that night, her appearance was very clear
This is look like a real person, I reach her and
I felt like back to the beginning
back to the first time when we gave our commitment to each other
the cold was unbearable....suddenly I woke up
it was 3 O'clock in the morning

if I can keep that moment forever
I'm willing to stay at my dream and
I wish I won't woke up

but that was a dream, I'm back to reality
I continue my sleeping with an empty hope

Sunday, August 28, 2005

fragile heart

If you want this heart
promised me don't tear it apart
promised me don't break it apart

this fragile heart has been hurt a lot
this fragile heart has been suffer a lot
this fragile heart has been cry a lot

though people said love is sweet
but actually it is not always be
love actually not like in perfect dreams
love actually not like in a fairy tales

happiness and sadness keep coming like a waves
a waves to make you growth stronger than ever

something falls through
I really hope
It won't happend to you and me

something go down
I really hope
It won't be your heart and my heart

something dissapear
I really hope
It won't be our feeling

something change
I really hope
It won't be our heart and love

last saturday
we went to cinema
althoug I was late
but I run all the way to there
as fast as I can
just to meet you

last saturday you said
you don't want to give me anymore change
once again you break it
you break the fragile heart of mine

If this could make you happier
I will leave you this way

If this could give you happiness
I will fulfill all your wish

as long as you are happy
me too will cherish every step you take

I know......
only fools believe that nothing changes

I know.....
everything keep changing all the way
changes from the very moment of its existence

I know.....
nothing stay the same
and of course our love can't be stay the same

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

forgive me

everytime I received your message
you know how I really wanna reply it

everytime I saw you are calling me
you know how I really wanna pick it up

everytime you sent me private message on messenger
you know how I really wanna talk to you

those times you contact me by any means
you know how I really wanna ask
"how are you dear?" just simple question
"how have you been this time?"

but.....
please forgive me,
forgive me for being ignored you
ignored you since our last meeting

my heart is like a tree have been cut down
my face is pale like a white snow on the ground
my heartbeat is like an unstopable wave

please tell me, what should I do next
please tell me, what way should I take next

please forgive me dear.....

my heart will still there for you and care for you
Still I'm sure, oneday we will love again,
if fate can bring us together again

I can't find another heart,
a heart to replace your heart

I'm willing to be alone forever
although all the people in this world laugh at me
they said I'm insane and a stupid fool

but please forgive me....
forgive me for everything...

I'm on the way to be what I used to be

Monday, August 01, 2005

january

January 15, I accompanied her to train station
something unusual come accross my heart
I don't know why my heartbeat slighly unexpected

foot step trembling unable to stop
mouth sealed with thousand of unspoken words

the train will set out soon
heartbeat become stronger and stronger
finally you told me
you had fallen in love with someone else

my ears seemed couldn't believed
couldn't believe what you have said just now
my lib was frozen unable to speak
my brain in total confusion
my heart stop for a while
astonished eyes looking at you

tears keep falling down on your cheek
you said, this feeling has already exist
falling in love to somebody else
since we are apart, since we are far away

this uncontrolled feeling of hers
already infiltrated one by one
my shadows fade away slowly in her heart
vanish from hers deepest feeling

I inniated, from now on our relationship end here
although I don't want to end this
but I have no choice.........

the train left me, only wave goodbye
the tears keep falling down on her cheeck
this is the third time our relationship end
the other two times because of different perspective
but this time because of third person appeared between us

what happened on earth.....could you tell me?
is it a really genuine love exist on this earth?
useless true love of mine
meaningless love of mine
finally repayed by broken heart
I drowned

goodbye my dear
don't weeping on this happening
not because of we are different
not because of your fault

perhaps this is what we call uncertainty of life
perhaps this is what we call wandering of life

sough heart linger in my mind
carry on lingered in my heart
untill endless sadness

our love story end in here
here in january 2005